To keep my thoughts clear and writing slightly better, I thought it would be a good idea to journal from time to time. You might see these types of content on my Medium titled “entry no. …”
It’s been awhile since I wrote in this thing. I feel like there hasn’t been a lot going on in my life.
Work is work. I am kind of struggling, honestly speaking. It’s not like I’m doing a shit job, it’s just that I feel like I’m not achieving a lot.
I’ve been given the task to email and reach out to random people. This is probably the most stressful for me.
Sometimes people get upset when you email them because they think their company email is private. The truth is, a simple Google search is all it takes. It’s not a big secret.
I get really anxious when I open my inbox because I don’t know what I’m gonna read that day. Will someone tell me off or will someone want to see what I’m offering for the hundredth time?
Writing is another thing I’m struggling with. It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’m a writer but I’m struggling with it. Trust me, I’m ashamed to even admit it.
I learned the hard way that I’m not good. I may be better than most but there’s still a lot of room for improvement. Emphasis on “a lot”.
I’ve had my writing torn to shreds from revisions and comments. The first few times were acceptable — like I had a lot to fix. But when it’s been three years and you still get the same comments, it kind of takes a toll on you.
2020 was shit for a lot of people. Was it for me? Honestly I was pretty happy staying home. I guess it’s because I’m a homebody.
I didn’t need to wake up early for work since work was right next to my bed. Gas? I didn’t need to pay for that since commute was just a couple of steps away.
The first few months were great. I crocheted myself a headband, practiced drawing, and all that jazz. After awhile, it got a bit repetitive.
Quarantine activities? I tried them all, you name it.
Became an entrepreneur (I sold cookies for a short while), became a chef (cooked some intricate dishes), started some art projects, and tried to become more healthy (online yoga).
I noticed that I didn’t stick to any of them.
This isn’t a post that tells you how I overcame my struggles and how I succeeded in building good habits. It’s what really happened.
So what was the problem? I think it’s that I like being alone, most of the time but I hate being lonely.
Those little moments you meet your friends for coffee dates, after-work dinners with your colleagues, or even a simple stroll in the mall was no longer possible.
As much as I hated crowds, I actually missed my weekly trips to the mall, cafes, or even handshakes at church.
The art projects get boring, no one eats cookies that much, and cooking intricate meals isn’t exactly something you can do every day.
Work and play becomes a blur. I’ve probably spent a lot of late nights working when I should’ve been asleep. I became lethargic.
To add to that, social media hasn’t been a big help as well.
Looking at all my friends and people I follow on Instagram live their best quarantine life on the platform kind of made me feel like I’m not enough.
I’m not saying it’s their fault for making me feel this way. It’s just social media in general can be damaging for my mental health.
Unrealistic beauty traits, constantly needing to keep up with every trend, aesthetically laid out flatlays — I couldn’t keep up with it and it frustrated me.
Many times I have thought about just deactivating my account but for some reason I don’t. Everyday I wake up, I open Instagram to look at my feed.
Is it an addiction?
I think it’s a one sided codependent relationship, and I chose to stay.
I’m not going to end this on a bad note. So, I’ve decided to fast Instagram. For a month? We’ll see how long I last.
